And the names in this post haven’t been changed. It’s not tough to figure out who my family is, and while I may forgive (some of them), I do not ever forget. Some of this, I’m not terribly proud of, but you know what? I’m not sanitizing any of it just to save face. All of the misspellings are true to the original texts.

Anyway. I got a text from Mom today:

If there was any way possible, I’d put George on the next anything headed east.

Uh oh. Evidently, my youngest brother got himself in some trouble. Again. A few months ago, he went through a break-up. He’s still stuck on her, she’s moved on. He has anger management issues and has evidently been drinking a lot. He was arrested for public intoxication today. Again. The “again” was news to me, but want to help him. And we all know how I can get.

So at 4:30, I sent out the following text message to four of the five friends I have in common with Tasena (George being the one I didn’t send it to – the other four are family members: Sarah, Mom, BJ, and Clare):

If you want to help him get over her, DEFRIEND HER ON FACEBOOK. He can’t move on until all of you make him.

I heard back from Mom (“Okay”) and Sarah (“Oh hell I forgot.”). Didn’t hear anything from BJ, but I didn’t expect to. Over the course of the next hour and change, I was involved with this conversation. My texts are in the normal font, hers are in the italics.

What?

Take Tasena off your Facebook.

No.

Then you get to deal with George’s bullshit and you don’t get to bitch about it.

Um also no.

Um, yes, Princess Selfish.

Um, no Jeremy.

Acquaintences don’t tell me what to do with my life. Plus, I’m trying to keep myself alive so I’m not doing shit for anyone.

And you’re only Mom’s favorite cause you’re firstborn. Big woop.

No, I’m Mom’s favorite because I’m the only one she hasn’t had to ever worry about or cry over. FUCK YOU.

If you think it has anything to do with birth order, you really are as retarded as your pet hobbit.

Fuck off Bastard. I was civil with you.

Bullshit, you werw. You’ve been a self-centered selfish bitch since you started high school.

Like you fucking know me. If it weren’t for my “pet hobbit” I wouldn’t have lived pass high school. Go fuck an ass queer.

You hateful, bigoted, redneck fucking CUNT.

That, Jeremy, shows how much you know about me.

And I’m not scared of the CUNT word.

Its just Facebook. You think what I do there affects the real world? They really should stop living together first for him to get over her, don’t you think? George is a big boy. He doesn’t need me to hold his hand. DO NOT mistake that for apathy, I’m more than happy to be there for him. But no one tells me how to live my life or who I associate with.

I’m sorry, did I not make myself clear? Let me change that. I want NOTHING to do with you ever again, bigot. Stop contacting ne.

You’re ignorant.

Spoken like a true homophobic bigot. Stop contacting me.

Yeah the chick with the gay brother and who has had multiple girlfriends is the homophobic bigot. Spoken like a true ignorant.

You don’t know jack.

The girl who tells her gay brother to “go fuck an ass, queer” is the bigot, yes. Stop contacting me.

You were being a queer. And insulting me, my choice in a mate and my husband, so I insulted you. Tell me, how does this make me prejudice, intolerant, or hatefull. Ill admit I can be mean when others are mean to me.

Stop contacting me.

Coward. Make me.

You started this conversation first and then proceeded to insult me and my family.

You expect to roll over? I don’t think so. I’m a Taylor, retaliation is our tgiu.

*me

*thing

Seriously, go back and analyze this text thread. I just refuse to let anyone run my life.

So yeah, that’s where I stand. I’m SO VERY DONE with this shit. She’s been nothing but a spoiled, stuck-up, selfish, self-centered, overly-dramatic Jan Brady-acting fuckin’ PRINCESS since she hit puberty. She has blamed her entire family for the mess her life is in. She refuses to take responsibility for her own actions, and she refuses to accept the consequences of her own actions.

I called Mom and vented at her when all of this happened, and I apologized to her for the fact that she will never have all five of her children in the same place at the same time ever again. I told her that if I don’t walk out of wherever Clare is, I’ll be escorted out in the back of a cop car for assault and battery for punching Clare in the head.

You don’t get to call me a queer and expect that there will be no consequences. I want her nowhere near my life. I can’t wish her happiness far away from me. What I can wish for her, though, is that she get everything she deserves.

Mrs. Hansen, you just lost a brother.

When she was at her peak, Whitney was fierce. The Greatest Love of All. How Will I Know. Saving All My Love For You. I Wanna Dance With Somebody. Where Do Broken Hearts Go. I’m Your Baby Tonight. It’s Not Right But It’s Okay. My Love Is Your Love. These are songs of my coming of age. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard these songs. When she was on, she was on. Bobby was a shitty influence on her, and it makes me sad that she didn’t or couldn’t get away from him. She was an amazing talent, and it sucks that she’s gone. Yeah, she made shitty choices (Bobby and drugs being the top two) and I wish that she hadn’t made them. Without those two things in her life, I think we would have seen more than five albums from her, and I’m pretty sure she’d still be alive and kicking the crap out of the music industry.

When I was in junior high, I remember seeing the video for The Greatest Love of All. It was after a Confirmation class (I grew up ELCA Lutheran) and all of us had piled into Pastor Kerr’s living room to watch some MTV. It’s an amazing black and white video of Whitney on a stage, singing for all she’s worth. She just belted and sang with a purity I’d never heard before. Some time later, I’d see the Day-Glo video for I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me). It was so much fun and dancey and it made me happy to be around. Same with How Will I Know.

A few years later, after coming out, I learned that I wasn’t the only person who fell in love with these songs. I can’t even begin to count how often I danced at the Cavalier and Players to It’s Not Right But It’s Okay. In the last year of my drag era, I remember hearing stories of Stephanie telling us about her act to that song, and how she would have two beer bottles and just drench herself and the front two rows of the audience during it, like some kind of twisted Gallagher act. That same song would later help me get through a shitty, shitty, shitty break-up with a lying, cheating asshole.

Her last decade or so have been pretty awful. Bobby, as I said before, was a terrible influence on her, and her addiction absolutely ruined her voice. She hasn’t sounded good for a long time, and it just rips at me because of it. So much talent, so much potential, destroyed and taken far too soon. I didn’t even realize how much this affected me until I started writing this. The only thing I can compare it to would be the way many people feel about how Michael Jackson’s music affects them.

Get you some peace, Ms. Houston. You will be missed. But take this with you: you will never be gone. As long as there are drag queens in this world, Whitney Houston will shine on stage.

The biggest other thing would be this. On Monday, January 23, I started working at the Ohio Humanities Council, permanently and as a real person. I worked for them for the last six weeks of 2011 as a temp through OfficeTeam, but they hired me on as of January 23. This office… I can’t even tell you how awesome everyone is. I’m probably not going to do a lot of referring to them in my blog, though; partially, it’s because my job doesn’t define who I am, partially it’s because I’m kind of a representative of my employer even when I’m not at work (like everyone seems to be), and partially it’s because the Executive Director knows where my blog is and reads it on an infrequent and random basis (HI BOSS!). Suffice it to say, the depression I fell into when I didn’t get the job at the school was more than filled by OHC. These people rock so hard, it’s amazing that they don’t have a recording contract and people throwing various underthings at them when they’re on stage.

Knitting is knitting. Nothing major and/or new on the needles, which is how I’m planning it. I have a ton of yarn that I could be knitting into new things, but I’m concentrating on working on the things that have been on the needles for a good long time and have been promised to people. I need to get so many things done. Hell, in the first month of 2012, I’ve already finished one sweater and two baby surprise jackets. I just need to add buttons to all three of them. I’ve got one more BSJ to do for yet another freakin’ pregnant woman at Leon’s job, but then I’m done with the jackets for a bit. I’m finishing off the first half of a pair of fingerless mitts tonight then casting on for the second mitt. They go quickly, even with all the cabling, and I have at least one more pair of them to make. I’m also about half done with a sweater for The Princess (see the Fat Family Fitness blog if that makes no sense to you because you think that either Belle or I answer to that) that will make her look so freakin’ awesome. A shawl for Melissa. A lace scarf for Niki. A hat and a blanket for Scott. A sweater for Jason. A sweater for me.

I’m looking into joining a gym. We’ll see what February specials at the local places look like, but I’m leaning heavily toward Planet Fitness. Their whole “No Judgment Zone” philosophy speaks to the fatboy in me. I don’t need some no-neck ‘roided up lunkhead giving me shit for not being able to benchpress a Buick. Also, I don’t need to be where every judgey homo in the world works out. It’s not a scene, it’s not a be-seen, it’s a place to drop this 60 pounds and turn it into sexy, sexy, furry muscle.

(Aside: It’s odd being up high enough that helicopters are buzzing by my office window. Kind of awesome, though. We’re on the 16th floor.)

We’re heading to Drenched Fur (link probably NSFW) in Erie at the end of March for their waterpark night. Those poor pool filters. 300+ bears? Yeah. Awesome. I’m looking so very forward to it, more for the getting-together-with-friends and getting-out-of-Ohio of it than for the bear run side of it, but that’ll be neat, too.

I think I’m going to start posting stuff about my City of Heroes/Villains/Going Rogue characters, complete with photos of all of their costumes. That’ll give me some fun shit to talk about, hey? Maybe I’ll blog more often! Perhaps a Tuesday or Thursday feature! I’m also thinking about starting a monthly or bi-weekly podcast. Anyone interested in just listening to me talk?

I’m very excited about this, honestly. It’s hard to be the only one in a household who’s trying to get back into shape, especially when it comes to the food aspect of it. That’s our biggest stumbling block, I think. Nearly every meal we eat has a main course (usually some sort of meat, usually pork or chicken), a vegetable (usually corn, and yes, corn counts. If you’re just going to comment to say CORN ISN’T A VEGETABLE BAWK BAWK BAWK, keep it to yourself; there’s not a lot of veggies I can eat and fewer that I like), and a starch (potatoes or rice). It’s a LOT of food, but cutting it down doesn’t seem to be something that we’re very good at.

Starting on Wednesday, though, we start hitting the Weight Watchers cookbooks to figure out what the healthier options are. We’re also going to be digging through the low-sodium cookbook and a couple of other healthier-choices cookbooks. We’ve also got SparkPeople to use as a resource as well.

Then comes the exercise. I think I may introduce The Leon to the body-weight exercises that will help. I know that he won’t be joining me with the running when the weather turns again or at the gym when I join up, but there are DVDs and self-paced workouts that we can both do or that he can do on his own.

And honestly, I prefer to start things like this in February. Half of this county knows January as “Failure to Keep a Gym Commitment” month; February will be nicer that way. Finding a gym, though, that’s the tough part. I have ideas, but I’m not sure how to implement them. Maybe trying the week-long guest pass that it seems like every gym has will help make the decision easier. Anyone wanna help with that search? Because, really, I have to get to a gym and I don’t wanna go alone.

Crossposted from Fat Family Fitness

The thing I love about this line of videos is that the people in the videos, aside from the trainer, are big people. They’re not Evil Blonde Aerobics Bunnies and Giant Humpy Muscleheads. They’re people who need these videos. It’s kind of inspiring, to a point.

I got 25 minutes into a 35-minute workout before I had to stop because I just couldn’t finish. I’m… kind of a self-loathing mess right now. I know I should be proud that I did what I could, that 25 minutes today is better than the zero minutes yesterday, that it’s better than the zero minutes that I’ve done for the last six weeks. I’m having problems getting myself into that mindset, though, and I don’t know how to get out of this shame-and-hate spiral.

Cross-posted from Fat Family Fitness

I also want to reboot my Couch-to-5K, as well as add a Jillian Michaels workout with resistance bands, as well as a body weight workout that I snagged from SparkPeople. I’m also hoping to mix in a couple of the Biggest Loser workout DVDs (if anyone’s buying, I’m looking at the At Home Challenge, Last Chance, and Cardio Max Weight Loss workouts) and my Wii Fit and Just Dance 2 (and maybe 3, if I get it). I’ve got at LEAST one 5K run planned this year, and I’m hoping to be able to finish a 10K. I’ve got a five-year plan to be able to at least run a half-marathon. I’d love to see a full marathon so that I can jump on Team Reeve and support the Roller Skate a little bit, but I’ll be happy with 13.1 for now.

I need to start making more healthy choices about food. It’s difficult to eat healthy when you’re doing it solo. Hopefully, I’ll be able to convince The Leon to get on the bandwagon with that. Wish me luck. He doesn’t like whole wheat pasta (which I love), and we eat a lot of pasta. That would help our food problems a great deal.

I’m tired of being approximately twelve thousand pounds (I rounded up). I’ve got some great friends behind me on this to keep my fat ass moving. I just need to make myself do it when they’re not around to kick me.

Mirrored from Fat Family Fitness

1. Lose 5 pounds a month.
2. Finish the knitting projects you have on the needles. The ones you can remember are:
   • Sweater
   • Sweater
   • Sweater
   • Sweater
   • Fingerless gloves
   • Fingerless gloves
   • Fingerless gloves
   • Fingerless gloves
   • Blanket
   • Lace scarf
3. Finish Run a 5K. Start to finish. You finished one already. You need to run the whole way. Even if it takes you a million years to run it, you will run it. Even if you get passed by every stroller or walker, you WILL run it. You’re already locked into the Jingle Bell Run for December.
4. Put your degree to work. Seriously. And soon.
5. Find a prosthedontist who won’t destroy your wallet. Finish your smile.
6. Blog more. Yew rite guud. Doesn’t matter if anyone reads it. Write for the love of writing. Get the words out of your head.
7. Care less about things and people you can’t change. They will continue to be who and what they are. (And yes, this is probably the hardest one.)
8. Talk to The Princess and The Drama Queen more. Kick them in the ass to run.
9. Win another frickin’ blue ribbon in the Ohio State Fair. You’ve got MAD FUCKIN’ KNITTIN’ SKILLZ and you have a fantastic shawl… around here… somewhere… Shit.
10. Find the shawl. Before May. (Oops.)
11. Finish the playlist for The Awesomest Niece Ever. Send her the CD.
12. Don’t be such a homebody. There are people who would like to see you. Go see them. Even if it’s in a bar.
13. Be good; it sounds like you’re built for it.
14. …and see more movies. You’ve been watching the same ones way too much.
15. Love like a crazy person. Lose yourself in it every once in a while.
16. Go dancing. Yes, you have a rule about fat boys dancing. Break it.

Sure, I think I can do that. And more.

Happy 2012, y’all. May we all hit our goal weights before the world comes to an end. Because the world needs more skinny, hungry corpses.

Yes, me. I love football, and the more amateur it is, the more I love it, right down to the PeeWee level. Those kids are (mostly) playing for the pure love of the game. Once you get up to pro ball, it’s a job, and then it’s awesome because of the possibility of the Star Factor, but not as awesome because you have to bust your ass more to stay employed.

I saw this article yesterday, and started with a split second reaction of, “Legislation for college football? Really?” which quickly morphed into, “Well, that might be a bit extreme, but I can see why they’d want to regulate it a little bit.” and into “The BCS is completely skewing football.” And they pretty much are.

Take a look at that article again. Five conferences — Conference USA, Mid-American, Mountain West, Sun Belt and Western Athletic — get the chance to send one team total to a bowl game, where the other six conferences can send multiple teams. How is that fair? Granted, one of my teams is Big Ten Conference (Wisconsin!) but the other is Mountain West Conference (Wyoming!), and most likely will never see a bowl game.

Do I think that legislation is the way to go? Probably not, but you know what? There’s gotta be some frivolity every once in a while. Kinda like the President “pardoning” the turkeys on Thanksgiving. I do think that some reform is needed for anything called a National Championship. If the NCAA does it for basketball, why can’t they do it for football? Sixteen teams to eight teams to four teams to two to a true national champion, complete with banners and parades and bragging rights. Let the teams themselves figure out who’s the best, not some arbitrary choice of who goes where. Let the bowl games be the quarter- and semi-finals and then pick one to be the Championship game. Would it take time to restructure? Sure it would. But that’s why these people get paid the big bucks.

Here’s the map and my activity level. Started at Nationwide and High. Ran to State street, walked to Fulton, ran to Blenkner, walked to Rich, ran to Gay, walked to Chestnut, ran to the finish.

And still it took me nearly a fucking hour to finish.

Everyone will say that they’re proud of me, that I finished the race, that it’s an accomplishment, that I should be proud of what I did.

Except I’m not. In October, I walked a full 5K two weeks ago in 45 minutes. Seriously, there was no running involved in that 5K, and it was slower than today’s.

I feel like a miserable failure at this, and I don’t know how to not feel like a miserable failure at it.

I do know that this is not the end of my running, and it’s not even the end of me doing 5K running. By next year, I want to be able to run the whole 5K. I may re-boot the Couch to 5K program and call it my C25K Boot-in-the-Ass program.

This is seriously making me feel shitty. More than anything, I feel like I let down my donors. I know I let down myself.

Crossposted from Fat Family Fitness