Adrift

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It seems like I only get inspired to post when I’m moody. I don’t like that, to be honest. I’m not always moody. I can get that way, but I’m not always Eeyore.

I just feel so adrift from everyone and everything. Work doesn’t suck, but it’s a little… uncomfortable? Insecure? Marking time? I don’t even know how to describe it, but no, I don’t really want to go into it.

Leon’s always awesome. As much shit as I give him and as much shit as he puts up with from me (which are not necessarily the same thing), I know he’s always there and always strong for me.

I just don’t feel like I have any passion for anything lately. I said this to someone last week. She said that she doesn’t believe that, that I do have passion, I just need to figure out what it is and how to tap into it to make it work with and for me. I don’t know that she’ll ever read this, but I also don’t think she knows how much that meant to me. And I know fully well that she knows just how difficult that task is as well.

I’m almost 40 years old. I should have a direction, shouldn’t I? I should know by now what I want to do and be when I grow up, right? I mean, I’m evidently very good at being a priest, but I’m not Christian, so there’s not really any way for me to turn that into a career. I’m a decent writer, but I don’t know if I have enough to say to turn that into a career, either.

You know what I’d love to turn into a career? Ridiculously wealthy international playboy. How do I get that job?

In all seriousness, I still think I need to check into our insurance to see if I can’t get a therapist. I don’t know what kind of help someone of that line will be, but I can’t imagine it would hurt. There are just so many positive changes that need to be made in my life that it’s all a bit overwhelming, to be honest. So many things I can see that could change, so much trepidation, so little wherewithal to make the changes.

Maybe a run would help. Maybe I should give that a try. I’ve noticed that my head clears out and my mood improves, even with the pain I deal with when I run. That’s at least some small part of a positive change I can make in my life.


Reboot

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I set a goal for myself for April 30/May 1. I’m rebooting a few things in my world.

1) Fitness. I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks. I suck at that, evidently. I’m going to start going back, though, since I’m paying for it. I want to get there 2-3 times a week through May, and then try to up that to 3-4 times over the summer. I’m not pushing terribly hard for the “musclebear” thing, but muscle wouldn’t suck. I need to start losing the weight and getting more active. I’m also rebooting my Couch to 5K program, starting April 30. I want to be able to run the whole 5K in December, so I need to start now. Because I suck at commitment to something like this. And there’s nobody who’s willing to do this shit with me. Part of my fitness goals will also be changing my diet somewhat. It’ll be a slower process, but the biggest thing for me will to be phasing out soda. I drink far too much of it, and I want to get rid of all of those empty calories. More water is a good thing, milk and fruit juice are a good thing, iced teas are a good thing. Soda, not so much (he says, cracking open a Mountain Dew).

2) Spirituality. Leon and I have a decent library of spiritual books, and I haven’t read most of them. I’ll be starting with T. Thorn Coyle‘s Evolutionary Witchcraft, and then moving on to The Inner Temple of Witchcraft by Christopher Penczak. After that, we’ll see what happens. I want to try to start meditating more, but I’m terrible at it, so it’ll be a challenge for me. More study is always good, so hopefully, I’ll be able to learn more and feel that connection to the Divine more strongly.

3) Personal. I’m going to set the goal — again! — of blogging at least once a week and more if I can do it. I’ve got a looooooong list of possible topics, and I’ll be pulling from those, as well as updates on health and spirituality. Hm. Perhaps those can be their own posts. Nobody said that blog posts have to be dissertations. They can be short, yes? I’ll still have this post over to LiveJournal, but I may turn off commenting over there. I would rather have people comment on my blog; these posts feel awfully lonely over here, with no comments. Not everyone can see my LJ or the comments.