[Weigh-In] Continuing the downward trend – 5%

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Weigh-in this morning: 225.0 pounds.

That puts me at my first weight goal. It also means I’m at my 5% mark for Weight Watchers. That’s a total of 20.4 pounds lost since we started on April 22. Eleven weeks. That’s 1.85 pounds a week. I attribute a BIG chunk of it to the running for which I’ve recently gained a new-found love.

New weight goal set to 195. This round will be adding weight training on days opposite my running.

I’ve got a new friend from NerdFitness Academy who is moving to town in the next couple of months while his girlfriend gets her PharmD at OSU. He’s gonna help me learn what to do in the gym, so I don’t look like a total tool while I’m there. He’s awesome. And he’s a challenge. Straight bears are …. *SIGH* and straight muscle bears are even worse.

My lowest weight since about 2005, when we were on Weight Watchers in El Cerrito, was 195. I’ve been over 225 since then. I hit 225 last year in October, but I lost motivation and ballooned back up to 240. Thirty more pounds, and I’ll be at my lowest point since 2005. A hundred and ninety-five pounds of prime furry, muscley beef? What’s not to love?

My big “cheat meal” is tomorrow, but I’m gonna hopefully cheat good. Chicken, maybe Thug Kitchen‘s potato salad (with no mayo! It’s AWESOME!), not a lot of crap foods. I may even give the StrongLifts app a chance and hit a gym, just to start my strength training. I’m also starting a new week (Week 5) on C25K, which in itself is a brand new milestone for me. I usually quit on week 4, so we’ll see what kind of ass-kicking I can do to week five.

I’m going to crush the hell out of this, and I’m gonna end up being a hot musclebear in the process. I’ve got a lot more fat to make cry.


Grazing and gazing

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I weighed myself this morning: 259.8.sugarkiss

It’s not the biggest I’ve ever been, but it’s not far off. I set a one-year goal for myself to get down to 225. I’ll still be heavier than I want to be, but 35 pounds is a good first goal in 12 months.

I need to start running again. That starts this week, thanks to the forecast not looking like Hoth.

My food choices need to change. I started eating salads — good salads, not just sad lettuce in a bowl — last week, and they’ve made a huge difference in my day, honestly. I’ve started looking forward to that Cobb salad from Cosi instead of the crap that I usually eat. There will be days when I get the pasta bowl from Piada, but I have other choices. I’m also probably going to start bringing my lunch to work more instead of buying stuff at restaurants. That Cobb salad is great, but I can make and bring two meals (salad and sandwiches) for the $10 cost of that salad. I got some Brain Bread from Beehive Bread Company this weekend; I’d forgotten how awesome that bread is. And it’s not far from work, so I can go up on my lunch break, get a loaf of it (and a pull-apart to eat) and still be back to work on time.

My biggest challenge is getting rid of Mountain Dew. I can do it, though. And maybe I can stave off the ‘Beetus for a little while longer.

Super tired of being fat. Super ready to fix it. Still not all that motivated.

sugarlips

My insecurities are coming back in a HUGE landslide. I hate it. Hate it like fire on my crotch (not that there’s anything wrong if that’s your thang; we all have our kinks). I’m good at my job (I’m not as consistent as I’d like, but that’s a different thing entirely). I have a great office environment and fantastic co-workers. I have a phenomenal husband and friends who are supportive. Someone suggested that I read up on impostor syndrome. I’m not sure about that, but it’s an interesting read. It feels like some sort of social anxiety, to be honest, and that confuses and infuriates me. I’m a strong extrovert, and shit like that just does not happen to extroverts. I should probably try to find a therapist at the very least.

My biggest problem with that, though, is that I’m petrified that I’ll end up on meds that will in some way fundamentally change me, who I am, and how I interact with the world. I don’t want that to happen. Meds would almost make me feel like I’m a failure, like I can’t handle myself and my world.

sugarlips

One of those aforementioned awesome co-workers and I have been talking about trying some exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise. So yesterday, we bought a Groupon for two private ballroom dance lessons and a group dance class. Anyone who pays any attention knows that I’m a huge Dancing with the Stars fan, so this makes me happy. And scared. SO SCARED. I’m going to do it no matter how much I suck at it, but it’s still scary as shit. We’ll see what happens.


My Insecurity — Let Me Show It To You

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eeyore1

It’s never pretty when one does far too much navel-gazing. I never feel adequate enough. It bothers me a great deal.

I have an amazing husband. Most days, I don’t know why he bothers with me.

I have a great job and fantastic co-workers. It’s an entire office full of knit-worthy people. Seriously. Every single person in this office, I would knit something for. Every day, I feel like I frustrate them and let them down.

I’m very good at my chosen profession. I can not clue in to how to do this job well. And I don’t even know if I’m good enough to keep it. Six months in, I should have some confidence in what I do. Not so much.

I feel like a giant fraud in my faith most days. I know what works for me, but is it fair to try and teach others when I don’t know what works for them? I don’t know what to do anymore.

I haven’t been running in weeks, and I have a 15K this weekend and it’s going to take me 2.5 hours to finish it (it does have an awesome goodie bag, though, so that’s something). I’m somewhat alright with that, but damn, I want to do it faster. I can’t even seem to finish the goddamned Couch-to-5K program and I think I’m going to run a half-marathon in two years? High much?

I feel very, very adrift. Again. Still. And the shittiest part of all of this is that I know that it’s not me with the doubts. I mean, they’re my doubts, but right now, they just feel completely unmanageable. My seasonal affective disorder didn’t hit until January or February last winter, and it was super light for me. This year, it’s already hitting, and it’s hitting hard as fuck.

Two songs have been on repeat in my brain today: Mama’s Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert (“Go on and hide your crazy”) and If You’re Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins. And now it’s adding Morning Comes by Delta Rae.

I need more light in my world. I need more peace in my world. I need more me in my world. And gods above and below, I need it soon. I hate feeling like I’m losing my shit. I’m terrible at coping with the way the world moves around me, and it’s getting worse as I get older. A year on a remote plot of land with just learning how to be me again. That wouldn’t suck.


TechnoCowboy’s Never-Ending Quest To Save My [Gender]friend!

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Huge bonus awesome points to anyone who gets the title reference.

I’m a member over at NerdFitness. It’s an AWESOME site that I don’t utilize nearly enough. They do six-week challenges, and the new one was just posted: What’s Your Main Quest? This is my Write-up for my challenge.

I’ve started and stopped Couch-to-5K four or five times in the last two-and-a-half years. I’ve done two 5Ks in there, but I want to be able to run them instead of a combo of running and walking. I have a 5K that I’m signed up for at work on October 5. My goal is to finish C25K in the eight weeks and be able to kick this thing in the taint. That’s 10 weeks. I know this challenge is only 6 weeks. I’ll be extending mine.

I’m running on a Legend of Zelda timeline. Nearly every LoZ game is eight dungeons and a final boss battle, with a crapload of mini-quests. My only mini quest is to also lose 25 pounds while doing this. I can totally do that. That’s 2.5 pounds per week, and that’s nothing, especially a) for a guy (yes, I know that’s sexist, but it’s also kinda true-ish) and b) for someone who hasn’t been actively exercising or changing the way he eats.

So, each week is a different dungeon and each run is the items in the dungeon. For the sake of all of this, and because it’s my (and nearly everyone else’s) favorite, I’ll be using the Ocarina of Time. As I do this, I’ll cross off the run on here. I’m only accountable to myself, but a little encouragement wouldn’t suck, either. :pride:

Week One: Great Deku Tree – Kokiri Emerald – Achieved!
Run 1: Compass and Map – finished 7/31/13
Run 2: Fairy Slingshot – finished 8/4/13
Run 3: Gohma defeated – finished 8/6

Week Two: Dodongo Cavern – Goron Ruby
Run 1: Compass and Map – finished 8/22
Run 2: Bomb Bag
Run 3: King Dodongo defeated

Week Three: Jabu-Jabu’s Belly – Zora Sapphire
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Boomerang
Run 3: Barinade defeated

Week Four: Side Items (not to scale)
Run 1: Hookshot and Epona
Run 2: Light Arrows, Fire Arrows, Ice Arrows
Run 3: Din’s Fire, Farore’s Wind, Nayru’s Love

Week Five: Forest Temple – Forest Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Fairy Bow
Run 3: Phantom Ganon defeated

Week Six: Fire Temple – Fire Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Megaton Hammer
Run 3: Volvagia defeated

Week Seven: Water Temple – Water Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Longshot
Run 3: Morpha defeated

Week Eight: Shadow Temple – Shadow Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Hover Boots
Run 3: Bongo Bongo defeated

Week Nine: Spirit Temple – Spirit Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Mirror Shield and Silver Gauntlets
Run 3: Twinrova defeated

Week Ten: Ganon’s Castle
Run 1: Shadow Barrier, Forest Barrier, Water Barrier
Run 2: Fire Barrier, Light Barrier, Spirit Barrier
Run 3: Ganon defeated

That’s a lot of gear. A LOT OF GEAR. I know I’ll only make it through the Fire Temple on this, but I’m challenging myself to make Ganon my bitch.


Ironic: Running Still Life

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still life

(Note: I’m not a visual artist of any kind. This is not a real still-life. It’s ironic, see. Because it’s about running.)

This is a group of most what I usually need to go running. Absent are my shoes, my socks, my t-shirt, and me. The rest of it is what you see.

I have two pair of running shorts. These are the Adidas. The others are black and orange Nike shorts. Both pair are all-in-one shorts (not the technical name; I just can’t think of what the technical name is or might be), meaning that I don’t wear underwear with these. They have a built-in pouch for the boys. Sadly, neither pair has pockets, so that’s what the chain is for.

The chain has my house key on it, since I don’t always run when Leon’s home. If I go out during the day, I’ve got my key without the need for pockets. The other thing on that chain is a dog tag. It’s from Cardinal Health, and it’s a little piece of awesome that Leon brought home. There’s a red one with the Cardinal logo on it around the house somewhere, but we’ll be damned if we can find the thing. It just disappeared somewhere. The black one is the more important thing, though. Cardinal is a partner for the Wounded Warrior program, a program in which I strongly believe and with which I would love to be involved. So until I can figure out how, I wear this to remind me that I’m lucky enough to be able to do this and that there are goals to be met.

My phone goes in the armband. I love technology. It provides my music, my Couch-to-5K timing, and my communication, should anything go wrong. Great headphones, too. I love everything about that. I use two apps when I run. My running app is Run Double, one of the very few apps that I’ve actually paid money for. It will get me through Couch-to-5K, Gateway-to-8K, and Highway-to-10K. I just need my motivation. The second app is I Heart Radio. I can get radio stations from all over (I listen to a local country station) or I can create my own playlist from zillions of songs. It’s fantastic, and it provides me background noise that’s not my heart rate and not my fat-boy-running breathing.

The last couple of pieces are the water bottle and flavor packets. That jug is 32 ounces. I drink one before I run and one after. I’ll probably go through two or three more over the course of a normal day. The packets are from Kroger and Walmart, but most stores carry them. These are the store brands, and they come in a ton of awesome flavors. One of the things that we’ve found out is that they’re supposed to go in a 16- or 20-ounce bottle of water, but that makes them FAR too concentrated and sweet, so we put one pack in a jug of water and the flavor is perfect.

My shoes are the rainbow awesomeness that New Balance put out a couple of years ago. I wear very thin shortie socks to run in. T-shirts are random (today is my Planet Fitness shirt). I should get myself back there sometime soon, too.

And that’s the physical accoutrements of my running. Coming soon: The spiritual side for running for me.


Goals: Let Me Show You Mine!

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My close, personal friend and world famous author, the ever-fabulous Michael Thomas Ford, has started something on the Between the Worlds Facebook group. He asked for volunteers to be grouped up together. My group got all of their goals for the next year in last week, but because I suck at timeliness, mine came in today.

1) Lose 25 pounds before BTW. This is going to lead into subgoals of:

  • Start walking at least twice a week, for a minimum of 10 miles per week.
  • Make smarter food choices. Learn what that means and how to do that.

2) Live my spirituality. Again, subgoals of:

  • Meditation
  • Studying (Lord and Lady, but I hate reading non-fiction books)
  • Write at least one new ritual.
  • Write an article for publication, either online or in print.
  • Rewrite the JaguarMoon rituals for continuity

3) Start a podcast. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a couple of years. Time to do it. And along with that goes…

4) Blog more. I’ve got a damn high writing skill; I just need to get my shit together and get more motivation to start writing more. Minimum of once a week.

What does this mean? Well, I’m most likely going to be blogging my weekly check-in sessions, because that will at least get me writing, right? I’ll be able to post progress on my ritual and on my article (though the JMC rituals will only be accessible to coven members). I’ll also be posting my weigh-ins (because that will be fun for me) and probably distances. At some point in the next year, I’d like to get back into running, but I don’t want to set that goal and not be able to achieve it.

Anyone who knows me will notice the lack of anything knitting related on this list. Knitting goals are meaningless for me, simply because I will always knit. There are a few projects to finish and get sent out, but they’ll get done and get sent out. I’m not afraid of that. I don’t have to push myself to do that.

What I’ve got, though, I can set my mind and energies to. Here’s to a good year.


Runner

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A friend of mine on both Facebook and Ravelry has also just started the Couch-to-5K program, and she’s struggling with the timing. We’ve been chatting back and forth all day about it, and how neither of us is a morning person. Last year, when I started running in the morning before work, I came to this conclusion, and this is what I told her on her update:

I’m really, really not a morning person. But there was something about getting up, pre-dawn, putting on my running pants and a hoodie and gloves and a hat, because there was frost on the ground, seeing my breath in the dark-before-the-dawn, and going running. You’ve seen my running shoes. My shoelaces start glowing right before the sun comes up. Then there’s that moment where the light quality changes and the greyness starts getting little touches of color, going from washed out to frost-covered color. When the sun comes up enough to see, it’s this ball of searing orange light that is one of the most beautiful things ever created. The cold goes away. The earliness goes away. The discomfort and pain go away. And then it’s just the running. Until you catch it for yourself, you’re just going to look sideways at this, but I can guarantee you, every runner you know understands this. And someday, you will, too. And that, at the very latest, is when you start calling yourself a runner. It might happen before then, but that moment, that perfection, is when you’re going to be doing this for a very long time.

Someone told me once that when you start running, you’re a runner. That doesn’t seem quite a full fit for me. It took the morning I described above for me to call myself a runner. I haven’t been much of a runner for the last six or seven months, but I still consider myself a runner. I love doing it. It makes me feel good, even when I hurt like fuckin’ hell. But knowing that it will pay off eventually, that I may not be the whipcord kinda guy ever, sweating to the point that I can’t understand why I don’t shrivel up from dehydration and feeling like I can’t get enough water or Gatorade in me, it makes it all worth it. Seriously.


Adrift

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It seems like I only get inspired to post when I’m moody. I don’t like that, to be honest. I’m not always moody. I can get that way, but I’m not always Eeyore.

I just feel so adrift from everyone and everything. Work doesn’t suck, but it’s a little… uncomfortable? Insecure? Marking time? I don’t even know how to describe it, but no, I don’t really want to go into it.

Leon’s always awesome. As much shit as I give him and as much shit as he puts up with from me (which are not necessarily the same thing), I know he’s always there and always strong for me.

I just don’t feel like I have any passion for anything lately. I said this to someone last week. She said that she doesn’t believe that, that I do have passion, I just need to figure out what it is and how to tap into it to make it work with and for me. I don’t know that she’ll ever read this, but I also don’t think she knows how much that meant to me. And I know fully well that she knows just how difficult that task is as well.

I’m almost 40 years old. I should have a direction, shouldn’t I? I should know by now what I want to do and be when I grow up, right? I mean, I’m evidently very good at being a priest, but I’m not Christian, so there’s not really any way for me to turn that into a career. I’m a decent writer, but I don’t know if I have enough to say to turn that into a career, either.

You know what I’d love to turn into a career? Ridiculously wealthy international playboy. How do I get that job?

In all seriousness, I still think I need to check into our insurance to see if I can’t get a therapist. I don’t know what kind of help someone of that line will be, but I can’t imagine it would hurt. There are just so many positive changes that need to be made in my life that it’s all a bit overwhelming, to be honest. So many things I can see that could change, so much trepidation, so little wherewithal to make the changes.

Maybe a run would help. Maybe I should give that a try. I’ve noticed that my head clears out and my mood improves, even with the pain I deal with when I run. That’s at least some small part of a positive change I can make in my life.


Reboot

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I set a goal for myself for April 30/May 1. I’m rebooting a few things in my world.

1) Fitness. I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks. I suck at that, evidently. I’m going to start going back, though, since I’m paying for it. I want to get there 2-3 times a week through May, and then try to up that to 3-4 times over the summer. I’m not pushing terribly hard for the “musclebear” thing, but muscle wouldn’t suck. I need to start losing the weight and getting more active. I’m also rebooting my Couch to 5K program, starting April 30. I want to be able to run the whole 5K in December, so I need to start now. Because I suck at commitment to something like this. And there’s nobody who’s willing to do this shit with me. Part of my fitness goals will also be changing my diet somewhat. It’ll be a slower process, but the biggest thing for me will to be phasing out soda. I drink far too much of it, and I want to get rid of all of those empty calories. More water is a good thing, milk and fruit juice are a good thing, iced teas are a good thing. Soda, not so much (he says, cracking open a Mountain Dew).

2) Spirituality. Leon and I have a decent library of spiritual books, and I haven’t read most of them. I’ll be starting with T. Thorn Coyle‘s Evolutionary Witchcraft, and then moving on to The Inner Temple of Witchcraft by Christopher Penczak. After that, we’ll see what happens. I want to try to start meditating more, but I’m terrible at it, so it’ll be a challenge for me. More study is always good, so hopefully, I’ll be able to learn more and feel that connection to the Divine more strongly.

3) Personal. I’m going to set the goal — again! — of blogging at least once a week and more if I can do it. I’ve got a looooooong list of possible topics, and I’ll be pulling from those, as well as updates on health and spirituality. Hm. Perhaps those can be their own posts. Nobody said that blog posts have to be dissertations. They can be short, yes? I’ll still have this post over to LiveJournal, but I may turn off commenting over there. I would rather have people comment on my blog; these posts feel awfully lonely over here, with no comments. Not everyone can see my LJ or the comments.


48:01

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48:01 was my time for the Jingle Bell Run.

Here’s the map and my activity level. Started at Nationwide and High. Ran to State street, walked to Fulton, ran to Blenkner, walked to Rich, ran to Gay, walked to Chestnut, ran to the finish.

And still it took me nearly a fucking hour to finish.

Everyone will say that they’re proud of me, that I finished the race, that it’s an accomplishment, that I should be proud of what I did.

Except I’m not. In October, I walked a full 5K two weeks ago in 45 minutes. Seriously, there was no running involved in that 5K, and it was slower than today’s.

I feel like a miserable failure at this, and I don’t know how to not feel like a miserable failure at it.

I do know that this is not the end of my running, and it’s not even the end of me doing 5K running. By next year, I want to be able to run the whole 5K. I may re-boot the Couch to 5K program and call it my C25K Boot-in-the-Ass program.

This is seriously making me feel shitty. More than anything, I feel like I let down my donors. I know I let down myself.

Crossposted from Fat Family Fitness