[Weigh-In] Continuing the downward trend – 5%

Posted on

Weigh-in this morning: 225.0 pounds.

That puts me at my first weight goal. It also means I’m at my 5% mark for Weight Watchers. That’s a total of 20.4 pounds lost since we started on April 22. Eleven weeks. That’s 1.85 pounds a week. I attribute a BIG chunk of it to the running for which I’ve recently gained a new-found love.

New weight goal set to 195. This round will be adding weight training on days opposite my running.

I’ve got a new friend from NerdFitness Academy who is moving to town in the next couple of months while his girlfriend gets her PharmD at OSU. He’s gonna help me learn what to do in the gym, so I don’t look like a total tool while I’m there. He’s awesome. And he’s a challenge. Straight bears are …. *SIGH* and straight muscle bears are even worse.

My lowest weight since about 2005, when we were on Weight Watchers in El Cerrito, was 195. I’ve been over 225 since then. I hit 225 last year in October, but I lost motivation and ballooned back up to 240. Thirty more pounds, and I’ll be at my lowest point since 2005. A hundred and ninety-five pounds of prime furry, muscley beef? What’s not to love?

My big “cheat meal” is tomorrow, but I’m gonna hopefully cheat good. Chicken, maybe Thug Kitchen‘s potato salad (with no mayo! It’s AWESOME!), not a lot of crap foods. I may even give the StrongLifts app a chance and hit a gym, just to start my strength training. I’m also starting a new week (Week 5) on C25K, which in itself is a brand new milestone for me. I usually quit on week 4, so we’ll see what kind of ass-kicking I can do to week five.

I’m going to crush the hell out of this, and I’m gonna end up being a hot musclebear in the process. I’ve got a lot more fat to make cry.


Well, hello there, 42…

Posted on

I’m on Nerd Fitness. I just posted this as an introductory post. It’s time to kick this pig.

This is a both a new character and a respawn point for me. I don’t do New Years Resolutions; at least, I don’t do them on January 1. It’s an arbitrary date, and I’ve never been one to go along just to go along. I do these things on my birthday (not so coincidentally, today). I joined the Academy as a birthday gift to myself. My mom sent me money, I used it on this. And I’ll be damned if I let my mother down by wasting money. That right there is one of my top goals, to be honest.

I’m 42 today. I am the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. I’m also fat and much more sedentary than I like. A lot of that comes from the brutal winter we’re finally ending. I didn’t want to drive in the snow to get to the gym so I could run and lift. Laziness took over. I’m done with that as of right now.

Tomorrow at 1:00, I’m going running for the first time in weeks. I went once in February because we got a super nice weekend (okay, it was probably about 40 degrees, but I love running in the cold, so long as it’s not too cold) and I’d rather run on streets than on a treadmill. My friend Shane is starting running, after I introduced him to Couch to 5K last fall, right before the White Witch cast her endless winter all over the world. I’m also signed up for a run on Thursday night with a local running club. I’m giddy excited about it.

I started running and working out last year on my birthday, when I weighed in at a jaw-dropping 260 pounds. So not healthy, and I didn’t (and don’t) wear it well. I carry it all up front, and it’s uncomfortable to carry around and to look at. My first weight goal was 225 pounds. I hit that in October. I’m back up to 245 right now, and I’m significantly unhappy. I bought myself some new jeans a couple of months ago, and I can’t fit into them now. I want my good jeans back. I’m also too big for my kilt, and it’s getting dangerously close to kilt weather too. Twenty pounds should come off pretty quickly.

I’ve been working on eliminating soda from my diet. I’ll have maybe two or three a week at this point, but I’m ready for that to go away. I don’t need that crap in my system. Not anymore. Water and tea will be good. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

My first 5K that I’m aiming for is the Pride 5K in June in Columbus. A friend of mine (who said she was inspired by my running and has been running 10Ks for the last year) bought me a shirt to wear. It says “Run like you stole a drag queen’s wig” and I want to be at the front of the pack when this race starts, especially with that shirt.

I won’t lie: I want to be a hot, tight musclebear. I can do that. 190 pounds at 5’11”, furry and meaty and sexy as hell. This is not unachievable. I can, will, and am doing this. It’s happening right now. Mindset is a big chunk of this, hey?

 


Grazing and gazing

Posted on

I weighed myself this morning: 259.8.sugarkiss

It’s not the biggest I’ve ever been, but it’s not far off. I set a one-year goal for myself to get down to 225. I’ll still be heavier than I want to be, but 35 pounds is a good first goal in 12 months.

I need to start running again. That starts this week, thanks to the forecast not looking like Hoth.

My food choices need to change. I started eating salads — good salads, not just sad lettuce in a bowl — last week, and they’ve made a huge difference in my day, honestly. I’ve started looking forward to that Cobb salad from Cosi instead of the crap that I usually eat. There will be days when I get the pasta bowl from Piada, but I have other choices. I’m also probably going to start bringing my lunch to work more instead of buying stuff at restaurants. That Cobb salad is great, but I can make and bring two meals (salad and sandwiches) for the $10 cost of that salad. I got some Brain Bread from Beehive Bread Company this weekend; I’d forgotten how awesome that bread is. And it’s not far from work, so I can go up on my lunch break, get a loaf of it (and a pull-apart to eat) and still be back to work on time.

My biggest challenge is getting rid of Mountain Dew. I can do it, though. And maybe I can stave off the ‘Beetus for a little while longer.

Super tired of being fat. Super ready to fix it. Still not all that motivated.

sugarlips

My insecurities are coming back in a HUGE landslide. I hate it. Hate it like fire on my crotch (not that there’s anything wrong if that’s your thang; we all have our kinks). I’m good at my job (I’m not as consistent as I’d like, but that’s a different thing entirely). I have a great office environment and fantastic co-workers. I have a phenomenal husband and friends who are supportive. Someone suggested that I read up on impostor syndrome. I’m not sure about that, but it’s an interesting read. It feels like some sort of social anxiety, to be honest, and that confuses and infuriates me. I’m a strong extrovert, and shit like that just does not happen to extroverts. I should probably try to find a therapist at the very least.

My biggest problem with that, though, is that I’m petrified that I’ll end up on meds that will in some way fundamentally change me, who I am, and how I interact with the world. I don’t want that to happen. Meds would almost make me feel like I’m a failure, like I can’t handle myself and my world.

sugarlips

One of those aforementioned awesome co-workers and I have been talking about trying some exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise. So yesterday, we bought a Groupon for two private ballroom dance lessons and a group dance class. Anyone who pays any attention knows that I’m a huge Dancing with the Stars fan, so this makes me happy. And scared. SO SCARED. I’m going to do it no matter how much I suck at it, but it’s still scary as shit. We’ll see what happens.


My Insecurity — Let Me Show It To You

Posted on

eeyore1

It’s never pretty when one does far too much navel-gazing. I never feel adequate enough. It bothers me a great deal.

I have an amazing husband. Most days, I don’t know why he bothers with me.

I have a great job and fantastic co-workers. It’s an entire office full of knit-worthy people. Seriously. Every single person in this office, I would knit something for. Every day, I feel like I frustrate them and let them down.

I’m very good at my chosen profession. I can not clue in to how to do this job well. And I don’t even know if I’m good enough to keep it. Six months in, I should have some confidence in what I do. Not so much.

I feel like a giant fraud in my faith most days. I know what works for me, but is it fair to try and teach others when I don’t know what works for them? I don’t know what to do anymore.

I haven’t been running in weeks, and I have a 15K this weekend and it’s going to take me 2.5 hours to finish it (it does have an awesome goodie bag, though, so that’s something). I’m somewhat alright with that, but damn, I want to do it faster. I can’t even seem to finish the goddamned Couch-to-5K program and I think I’m going to run a half-marathon in two years? High much?

I feel very, very adrift. Again. Still. And the shittiest part of all of this is that I know that it’s not me with the doubts. I mean, they’re my doubts, but right now, they just feel completely unmanageable. My seasonal affective disorder didn’t hit until January or February last winter, and it was super light for me. This year, it’s already hitting, and it’s hitting hard as fuck.

Two songs have been on repeat in my brain today: Mama’s Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert (“Go on and hide your crazy”) and If You’re Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins. And now it’s adding Morning Comes by Delta Rae.

I need more light in my world. I need more peace in my world. I need more me in my world. And gods above and below, I need it soon. I hate feeling like I’m losing my shit. I’m terrible at coping with the way the world moves around me, and it’s getting worse as I get older. A year on a remote plot of land with just learning how to be me again. That wouldn’t suck.


TechnoCowboy’s Never-Ending Quest To Save My [Gender]friend!

Posted on

Huge bonus awesome points to anyone who gets the title reference.

I’m a member over at NerdFitness. It’s an AWESOME site that I don’t utilize nearly enough. They do six-week challenges, and the new one was just posted: What’s Your Main Quest? This is my Write-up for my challenge.

I’ve started and stopped Couch-to-5K four or five times in the last two-and-a-half years. I’ve done two 5Ks in there, but I want to be able to run them instead of a combo of running and walking. I have a 5K that I’m signed up for at work on October 5. My goal is to finish C25K in the eight weeks and be able to kick this thing in the taint. That’s 10 weeks. I know this challenge is only 6 weeks. I’ll be extending mine.

I’m running on a Legend of Zelda timeline. Nearly every LoZ game is eight dungeons and a final boss battle, with a crapload of mini-quests. My only mini quest is to also lose 25 pounds while doing this. I can totally do that. That’s 2.5 pounds per week, and that’s nothing, especially a) for a guy (yes, I know that’s sexist, but it’s also kinda true-ish) and b) for someone who hasn’t been actively exercising or changing the way he eats.

So, each week is a different dungeon and each run is the items in the dungeon. For the sake of all of this, and because it’s my (and nearly everyone else’s) favorite, I’ll be using the Ocarina of Time. As I do this, I’ll cross off the run on here. I’m only accountable to myself, but a little encouragement wouldn’t suck, either. :pride:

Week One: Great Deku Tree – Kokiri Emerald – Achieved!
Run 1: Compass and Map – finished 7/31/13
Run 2: Fairy Slingshot – finished 8/4/13
Run 3: Gohma defeated – finished 8/6

Week Two: Dodongo Cavern – Goron Ruby
Run 1: Compass and Map – finished 8/22
Run 2: Bomb Bag
Run 3: King Dodongo defeated

Week Three: Jabu-Jabu’s Belly – Zora Sapphire
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Boomerang
Run 3: Barinade defeated

Week Four: Side Items (not to scale)
Run 1: Hookshot and Epona
Run 2: Light Arrows, Fire Arrows, Ice Arrows
Run 3: Din’s Fire, Farore’s Wind, Nayru’s Love

Week Five: Forest Temple – Forest Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Fairy Bow
Run 3: Phantom Ganon defeated

Week Six: Fire Temple – Fire Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Megaton Hammer
Run 3: Volvagia defeated

Week Seven: Water Temple – Water Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Longshot
Run 3: Morpha defeated

Week Eight: Shadow Temple – Shadow Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Hover Boots
Run 3: Bongo Bongo defeated

Week Nine: Spirit Temple – Spirit Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Mirror Shield and Silver Gauntlets
Run 3: Twinrova defeated

Week Ten: Ganon’s Castle
Run 1: Shadow Barrier, Forest Barrier, Water Barrier
Run 2: Fire Barrier, Light Barrier, Spirit Barrier
Run 3: Ganon defeated

That’s a lot of gear. A LOT OF GEAR. I know I’ll only make it through the Fire Temple on this, but I’m challenging myself to make Ganon my bitch.


Ironic: Running Still Life

Posted on
still life

(Note: I’m not a visual artist of any kind. This is not a real still-life. It’s ironic, see. Because it’s about running.)

This is a group of most what I usually need to go running. Absent are my shoes, my socks, my t-shirt, and me. The rest of it is what you see.

I have two pair of running shorts. These are the Adidas. The others are black and orange Nike shorts. Both pair are all-in-one shorts (not the technical name; I just can’t think of what the technical name is or might be), meaning that I don’t wear underwear with these. They have a built-in pouch for the boys. Sadly, neither pair has pockets, so that’s what the chain is for.

The chain has my house key on it, since I don’t always run when Leon’s home. If I go out during the day, I’ve got my key without the need for pockets. The other thing on that chain is a dog tag. It’s from Cardinal Health, and it’s a little piece of awesome that Leon brought home. There’s a red one with the Cardinal logo on it around the house somewhere, but we’ll be damned if we can find the thing. It just disappeared somewhere. The black one is the more important thing, though. Cardinal is a partner for the Wounded Warrior program, a program in which I strongly believe and with which I would love to be involved. So until I can figure out how, I wear this to remind me that I’m lucky enough to be able to do this and that there are goals to be met.

My phone goes in the armband. I love technology. It provides my music, my Couch-to-5K timing, and my communication, should anything go wrong. Great headphones, too. I love everything about that. I use two apps when I run. My running app is Run Double, one of the very few apps that I’ve actually paid money for. It will get me through Couch-to-5K, Gateway-to-8K, and Highway-to-10K. I just need my motivation. The second app is I Heart Radio. I can get radio stations from all over (I listen to a local country station) or I can create my own playlist from zillions of songs. It’s fantastic, and it provides me background noise that’s not my heart rate and not my fat-boy-running breathing.

The last couple of pieces are the water bottle and flavor packets. That jug is 32 ounces. I drink one before I run and one after. I’ll probably go through two or three more over the course of a normal day. The packets are from Kroger and Walmart, but most stores carry them. These are the store brands, and they come in a ton of awesome flavors. One of the things that we’ve found out is that they’re supposed to go in a 16- or 20-ounce bottle of water, but that makes them FAR too concentrated and sweet, so we put one pack in a jug of water and the flavor is perfect.

My shoes are the rainbow awesomeness that New Balance put out a couple of years ago. I wear very thin shortie socks to run in. T-shirts are random (today is my Planet Fitness shirt). I should get myself back there sometime soon, too.

And that’s the physical accoutrements of my running. Coming soon: The spiritual side for running for me.


Adrift. Again.

Posted on

Forgive me. It’s been four weeks since my last post.

Not a lot has changed since last I wrote, O Great Internet. I’m maintaining my weight (still ~250 pounds); I’m not losing, but I’m also not gaining. I’ve tried making better food choices, and that seems to be going well. I’ve been snacking on healthier things (oranges and strawberries lately, with some popcorn if I crave salty snacks). Hell, I even had a salad with dinner tonight. I haven’t been to the gym in two months, and I probably won’t go this week, since the Resolutioners are there, and I hate the thought of being seen as one of them.

I’ve been doing a lot of sitting on the couch and watching Netflix. I went through the entire run of White Collar and Hot in Cleveland. We’ve also watched the full first season of Game of Thrones and all of Star Trek: Enterprise. Fun shows, for very different reasons. I need to get the first part of this season of White Collar so I can catch up very soon, and I need to get the second season of Game of Thrones in a format I can watch on my large TV from my very comfortable couch instead of on my good-sized computer monitor from a mostly comfortable computer chair. I’m working my way through Burn Notice right now; I’m not completely sold on it yet. Though, honestly, I do love the glitter out of Ms. Sharon Gless. She makes me happy; I’d listen to the woman read the phone book. (And, dammit, I can get Cagney & Lacey on Netflix DVD but not streaming. WHY DO YOU HATE ME, NETFLIX??)

I haven’t just been sitting there, though; I’ve been knitting like a crazy man. I finished a double-sized (meaning ten repeats instead of the five in the pattern) Citron in a gorgeous pewter and amethyst for The Sister, and I’m just a bind-off away from finishing Anna for the same Sister. The Citron was mindless and made for a great traveling project, but by the final increase section, I was over 900 stitches, and knitting or purling that many stitches makes you want to stab your eyes out with the needles. Anna, on the other hand, takes a little more paying attention, and it’s paying off. It’s gorgeous, it’s in a 70/30 merino/silk blend, and it’s a fantastic deep blue-green colorway called Kenai. I’ll admit that part of the reason I picked that colorway was the name. Kenai was the name of the main character in Brother Bear, so it’s appropriate that it’s going to my sister. (And yes, I know it’s also a city in Alaska; there’s no emotional attachment there. Yet. One never knows, I may end up on a trip there at some point.)

There hasn’t been a lot of movement in the last month on my video game alter-egos. I haven’t been in the mood to play much, sadly, but I’ve got a ton of screenshots from before the end of City of Heroes (though, warning, that link makes COHers very sad), and I’ll turn them into blog posts at some point, I hope. I’m also still doing some hellacious rep grinding on World of Warcraft. It takes FOR.EV.ER. but I’ll get what I want. OH YES I WILL. Guild Wars 2 is fun, as well. My little Asuran Engineer hit level 40 a while back, and my Sylvari Elementalist (named Shadow Glitter) is also a hell of a lot of fun to play.

Not much to report on the job front. I’ve had a few interviews, but nothing’s come of them. I’ve got one on Monday, and I hope that it goes well. It could be a very large turning point for us if I get it. I’ll ask for more job mojo and leave it at that. I also think I need a new interview outfit, but we’ll see what happens with that.

Aside from that, O Great Internet, there’s not much to report. Same goals from last year stand: eat better, exercise more, lose weight, read more, pray more, blog more, be most smartest (though, if you need to click that link, how are we even friends?), be more authentic to myself. I realize that there are a lot of people out there who really couldn’t care less about me because they’ve made up their minds about me without, y’know, really getting to know me or caring if I’ve even changed who they think I am, and that’s their own issue, one that I refuse to make mine. There will be no shoving me into their molds; if someone doesn’t like who I am, well, they can waltz themselves right out of my life.

Here’s to a massive ass-kicking to 2012. You deserve it for sucking so badly. 2013, you’ve got a pretty low bar to get over. Perhaps you should get to it.

Much love. Blessed be.


Workin’ it

Posted on

Three times in the last week, I’ve made it to the gym. GO ME. I’m pretty damn happy about this. I’m doing a strength-foundation workout that I found on RealJock (link is so very not safe for work; you’ve been warned). It’s kicking my ass. Tonight, I added an extra set on most of the exercises I’ve been doing and holy shit, do I hurt. I’m gonna sleep VERY well. I’ve also been keeping up (and, well, surpassing, because I’m an over-achiever sometimes) the Morning Mile Challenge from NerdFitness, and it feels awesome. I’m not always doing it in the morning, but I’m getting at least one mile in a day. Kinda proud of myself.

Still working on getting my food choices smarter, and that’s still not easy. I’m kind of a picky eater, and some foods are more challenging for me than others, but I’m doing what I can. I have asparagus that I’m going to make this weekend, I hope, and we have some orange cauliflower that we’ll be mashing up, too. Kinda looking forward to them. There are ways to make this easier and better, and I will do my damnedest to find them and make this happen, because I need to make it happen.

I finished a pair of cabled fingerless mitts this week, and I have a pair of kicky red cabled gloves on my needles to finish next. It’s kind of nice that I don’t have gigantic paws; most glove patterns are made for women’s medium or large hands, so I’m pretty safe with most of them. I hate sizing patterns, mostly because I suck at it.

Still nothing on the job front, but my unemployment kicked in this week. That will help until I get something. Help, because it’s not a lot. It’s not supposed to be a living, and I can’t wait until I can tell them to stop it. In the meantime, I’ve been working on a church program for Mom (link to Mom’s blog, which needs to be updated, hint hint hint), and I’m pretty proud of the way it turned out. I used my Mad Office Skillz, and it’s pretty awesome. I also have a hefty data entry project on which I’m working, and I’m designing some office documents for a friend’s new business. Those are heavily on the agenda for next week, I think.

Still reading Evolutionary Witchcraft with JaguarMoon. I’m not as enamored of it as I want to be. It’s nice to see another path, but I don’t know that that path is for me. I’m a little skeptical of it, but I think that has more to do with it being out of a book. I deal better with the experiential side of it, and the Feri rituals I’ve seen or of which I’ve been a part have been amazing. I’m pretty sure that that’s what the difference is for me.

I’m also still working my way through the Wheel of Time series. I’m on book five, The Fires of Heaven, right now. The final book, book fourteen, A Memory of Light, comes out in January, and I hope to be caught up by sometime in February or March so that I can get the final book on my Kindle and finish the series. I know that there are a lot of people who pooh-pooh this series because it’s so freakin’ wordy and loooooooooong, but I bough the first one, The Eye of the World, when I was working at Jack & Jill in high school, and it’s been with me ever since. It’s one of those things that I give my sister Sarah shit about, because there is crayon ALL THROUGH my copy of EotW, thanks to her little four-year-old self. No, she’ll never live it down. She knows why she doesn’t get to borrow my books. I don’t care that she’s almost 28. No.

People keep asking how I am. My standard answer is, “I’ve been better. I’ve also been worse, and I’m getting better.” The anger is mostly gone, though it spikes every once in a while, but that’s to be expected, I think. At some point, it will be gone, with little flares of bitterness and cranky-face. I’ll move on to better things, I’m sure, and life will move itself inexorably forward. It will take me along, as it always does. I will bounce back. And until I’m bouncing again, there are video games, there are rockin’ hot workouts, and there are good times with good friends.

And I will take this life, and I will make it my bitch.

So mote it be.


Morning Mile Challenge

Posted on

I’m doing the Morning Mile Challenge with a couple of hundred people over on NerdFitness. This was Day One for me, so I have two more miles to make up this month. At 8:00 AM, the air is beautiful. It’s quiet, it feels like I’m the only person in the world. Just me and my music (which was all Delta Rae — so awesome).

After my walk his morning, I posted this to my feed on Fitocracy:

Y’know, I’ve been doing this all wrong. I’ve been looking at it like it’s all a giant multiplayer game. For me, it’s just a single-person game. I’m on this never-ending quest to (save my boyfriend! *bling*) lose this weight, but I’m not competing against anyone but myself. I don’t care that there are people a zillion levels ahead of me; I’m doing this for *me*, not for them.

And I love that both sites act like this is a game, like I’m gaining XP and levels, at the same time that I’m losing weight and getting back into shape. Whatever it takes to get me doing it, right? And as much as I love me some MMORPGs, I love me some Legend of Zelda even more. That’s more my play style: me against the world, on my terms, on my own timetable. I’ll lose the weight, I’ll make this my bitch.

No, no, that wasn’t a question.


Goals: Let Me Show You Mine!

Posted on

My close, personal friend and world famous author, the ever-fabulous Michael Thomas Ford, has started something on the Between the Worlds Facebook group. He asked for volunteers to be grouped up together. My group got all of their goals for the next year in last week, but because I suck at timeliness, mine came in today.

1) Lose 25 pounds before BTW. This is going to lead into subgoals of:

  • Start walking at least twice a week, for a minimum of 10 miles per week.
  • Make smarter food choices. Learn what that means and how to do that.

2) Live my spirituality. Again, subgoals of:

  • Meditation
  • Studying (Lord and Lady, but I hate reading non-fiction books)
  • Write at least one new ritual.
  • Write an article for publication, either online or in print.
  • Rewrite the JaguarMoon rituals for continuity

3) Start a podcast. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a couple of years. Time to do it. And along with that goes…

4) Blog more. I’ve got a damn high writing skill; I just need to get my shit together and get more motivation to start writing more. Minimum of once a week.

What does this mean? Well, I’m most likely going to be blogging my weekly check-in sessions, because that will at least get me writing, right? I’ll be able to post progress on my ritual and on my article (though the JMC rituals will only be accessible to coven members). I’ll also be posting my weigh-ins (because that will be fun for me) and probably distances. At some point in the next year, I’d like to get back into running, but I don’t want to set that goal and not be able to achieve it.

Anyone who knows me will notice the lack of anything knitting related on this list. Knitting goals are meaningless for me, simply because I will always knit. There are a few projects to finish and get sent out, but they’ll get done and get sent out. I’m not afraid of that. I don’t have to push myself to do that.

What I’ve got, though, I can set my mind and energies to. Here’s to a good year.