Grazing and gazing

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I weighed myself this morning: 259.8.sugarkiss

It’s not the biggest I’ve ever been, but it’s not far off. I set a one-year goal for myself to get down to 225. I’ll still be heavier than I want to be, but 35 pounds is a good first goal in 12 months.

I need to start running again. That starts this week, thanks to the forecast not looking like Hoth.

My food choices need to change. I started eating salads — good salads, not just sad lettuce in a bowl — last week, and they’ve made a huge difference in my day, honestly. I’ve started looking forward to that Cobb salad from Cosi instead of the crap that I usually eat. There will be days when I get the pasta bowl from Piada, but I have other choices. I’m also probably going to start bringing my lunch to work more instead of buying stuff at restaurants. That Cobb salad is great, but I can make and bring two meals (salad and sandwiches) for the $10 cost of that salad. I got some Brain Bread from Beehive Bread Company this weekend; I’d forgotten how awesome that bread is. And it’s not far from work, so I can go up on my lunch break, get a loaf of it (and a pull-apart to eat) and still be back to work on time.

My biggest challenge is getting rid of Mountain Dew. I can do it, though. And maybe I can stave off the ‘Beetus for a little while longer.

Super tired of being fat. Super ready to fix it. Still not all that motivated.

sugarlips

My insecurities are coming back in a HUGE landslide. I hate it. Hate it like fire on my crotch (not that there’s anything wrong if that’s your thang; we all have our kinks). I’m good at my job (I’m not as consistent as I’d like, but that’s a different thing entirely). I have a great office environment and fantastic co-workers. I have a phenomenal husband and friends who are supportive. Someone suggested that I read up on impostor syndrome. I’m not sure about that, but it’s an interesting read. It feels like some sort of social anxiety, to be honest, and that confuses and infuriates me. I’m a strong extrovert, and shit like that just does not happen to extroverts. I should probably try to find a therapist at the very least.

My biggest problem with that, though, is that I’m petrified that I’ll end up on meds that will in some way fundamentally change me, who I am, and how I interact with the world. I don’t want that to happen. Meds would almost make me feel like I’m a failure, like I can’t handle myself and my world.

sugarlips

One of those aforementioned awesome co-workers and I have been talking about trying some exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise. So yesterday, we bought a Groupon for two private ballroom dance lessons and a group dance class. Anyone who pays any attention knows that I’m a huge Dancing with the Stars fan, so this makes me happy. And scared. SO SCARED. I’m going to do it no matter how much I suck at it, but it’s still scary as shit. We’ll see what happens.


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