I’m totally freakin’ made of awesome, dipped in glitter and more awesome, in a bowl made of filthy language and awesome.
That’s how I described myself to someone today. And most times, that’s how I feel about myself. There are times, though, that I really don’t. I can spend two or three days feeling incredibly useless, incredibly worthless, incredibly broken. I know that it’s a temporary thing, and that the sun will shine again, but for those two or three days, my self-worth is somewhere significantly less than zero.
This year, my Seasonal Affective Disorder hasn’t been acting up. The last three or four years (or more; I’ll have to check with Leon), it’s been horrible. Crying at the drop of a hat, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to leave the house, that kind of thing. For me, it’s not as severe or long-lasting as depression, but I’ve done quite a bit of reading about it. It made me feel better to know that I’m not the only one who deals with this; I’m not the only one who suffers every year; I’m not the only one who spirals down into near-catatonia at times. Is that weird? To feel better knowing that there are other people in a shitty mindset? It feels a little weird, but, then again, I’m kinda weird. We changed out a few of the light bulbs in our house with full spectrum bulbs and OH MY GODS, does it make a difference.
I’ve got a friend who’s dealing with SAD really hardcore this year, and the people around him aren’t dealing with it well. They just don’t get it. It’s not something very many people can help with; you kind of have to have some sort of depression to understand. It’s a shitty, shitty, insidious, shitty disorder. With “regular” depression, you can get diagnosed and take meds. There are support groups. There is traditional therapy. With SAD, the most effective therapy is light therapy. There are no meds. There are no support groups. People think you’re just down and they try to cheer you up. It sucks.
If you know someone who has SAD, treat them kindly, but don’t expect them to be happy just because you are or you want them to be. If you have SAD, so do I. I’m more than willing to help talk you out of your dark places.
I’m ending this with a video. It’s by a group called Delta Rae. They’re absolutely amazing. The song is called Morning Comes, and it’s the absolute best song about struggle, hardship, depression, and hope that I’ve ever heard.
Be well, brothers and sisters. Be strong. We need you. The morning will come, and you will be stronger for it.