Happy Place

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I’m listening to the playlist I made for the Art of Ritual Class November Daily Meditations. I just hit Brothers Beautiful by Jeffrey Altergott. I miss all you beautiful bitches. You know who you are.

Oh, and now I’m going to cry. Again. You Raise Me Up by Celtic Woman. Oh, and then Fuckin’ Perfect by P!nk.

So much love. I miss my brothers, badly. For one glorious week a year, I feel as if I’m part of something amazing, even just tangentially or just on the outskirts. I know what some of my friends will say, that I’m not tangential or on the outside looking in. It feels that way a great deal, though. I know that it’s important for this event to happen, and I know that I’m a big part of making it happen. It still doesn’t stop me from feeling that way during the event. It’s why I retreat to my tent so often. I can’t talk about it while I’m there, though. Seems like nobody wants to hear me be all Debbie Downer. So I keep it to myself. I’m not okay with it, but I don’t want to bring anyone else down while I’m there. And I know it’s my deal, and I need to figure out how to fix it.

I figure if I keep playing songs like this, they’ll work as affirmations, and eventually, I won’t feel so broken. Eventually. Not today, though. Still broken.

This is my family.
I found it, all on my own.
Is little, and broken, but still good.
Yeah, still good.

Preach it, Brother Stitch.


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Perhaps once a week was too much? Who knows. I just know that I’m not blogging, and it’s not like I’ve been doing anything else with my time. Job hunting sucks in a good economy; in this one, it’s horrible. I don’t want to go back to temping, but we can’t survive on just Leon’s paycheck. We’ll see what happens.

Applied for a job that … if I get it? I’m gonna be BUSY. And they’re willing to pay the good money for the good skills. It still blows my mind how… inhuman… people are when it comes to salaries. Seriously, $25K a year is feeble for my skills and experience. I’m easily worth $35K, but I’ll work for less, simply because it’s what needs to be done. I defy anyone with a BA to do the job I do with an AAS and be better at it, just because of their degree focus. You tell me: would you rather have some 25-year-old with a BA in Art History as an administrative assistant, or would you rather have a 30-something with a degree in Business Office Applications and 15 years of experience as an admin? Who do you  honestly think is going to be more qualified? Is the difference in the letters after your name that big of a deal? Yes, for some people who can’t see past those letters, it is. For the right employer, no, those letters don’t matter.

You know the worst part about that? Even if I tried to go to retail and work for $8-9 an hour, they wouldn’t hire me, because they would assume that the minute I found a job that fit my skill sets that I’d leave. I can’t say they’d be wrong, but I’m a damn good worker, and I get my work done.

Fuck, I hate office politics. I don’t think it’s so much to ask for that everyone in an office act like a grown-up and not some paranoid cheerleader.

We’ll see what comes down the pike. It needs to be good, and it needs to be soon. As it is, Yule is looking a little bleak. So that’ll be fun.

Derailed…a little

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Editor’s Note: Anyone on my Facebook knows what happened on Friday, so I’m not going to rehash it here. I am still searchable on here, and there will be no discussion of it here. If you have questions, well, send me a message over there.

I’m a week late in my update, but hopefully I’ll be able to add a second update this week. We’ll see what happens.

1) I haven’t started walking yet. Meant to this morning, but it was rainy, and I’m kind of whiny, so I didn’t go out. The sun is out now, so as soon as I’m done with this post, I’m taking the dog out and then I’ll head out to the streets for a while. On the weight front, two weeks ago, I was at 253.6, last week I was at 252.8 (a loss of .8 pounds, woo!), and this week I’m at 253.8 (a one pound gain, boo!), which means that in the five weeks since BTW, I’m showing a net gain of 2.6 pounds. I want to revise my goal of “lose 25 pounds”  to “be at or below 225 pounds by next BTW.” I’ll edit the original post to reflect that. That puts me at 28.8 pounds until my first weight goal. I can totally do that in a year.

2) My coven and I are reading Evolutionary Witchcraft together. We’re doing it in a book group kind of format, and we’re taking it slow. Prologue and first chapter are due by the 22nd. I also need to talk to a covenmate about helping with the rituals. She said she’d help, and with Samhain just around the corner, we need to get on it.

3) So not sure where to start with the podcast. Need to talk to Scott and see what I can get away with. I know that there are places that host on the cheap. Will need a new domain. Will need the right software. Will need a format, themes, music, and quite possibly a co-host or two. I have Ideas. Now just need Follow-through. Yeeeeesssssss…. The power of the airways!

4) Blogging: I’m doing it! Woo, go me! Or, y’know, something…

I finished a shawl. It’s beautiful and orange and geometric. I could have made it bigger, I think, but I didn’t and now it’s too late. Sad cowboy. I’m working on two sweaters and a blanket that have been hibernating for a while. They’re not portable, but I’m not going anywhere, and I have Netflix.

So, yeah, things got a little sidetracked. It will get better. I will make it better. And to those who doubt? Yeah, I don’t need you in my life.

Goals: Let Me Show You Mine!

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My close, personal friend and world famous author, the ever-fabulous Michael Thomas Ford, has started something on the Between the Worlds Facebook group. He asked for volunteers to be grouped up together. My group got all of their goals for the next year in last week, but because I suck at timeliness, mine came in today.

1) Lose 25 pounds before BTW. This is going to lead into subgoals of:

  • Start walking at least twice a week, for a minimum of 10 miles per week.
  • Make smarter food choices. Learn what that means and how to do that.

2) Live my spirituality. Again, subgoals of:

  • Meditation
  • Studying (Lord and Lady, but I hate reading non-fiction books)
  • Write at least one new ritual.
  • Write an article for publication, either online or in print.
  • Rewrite the JaguarMoon rituals for continuity

3) Start a podcast. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a couple of years. Time to do it. And along with that goes…

4) Blog more. I’ve got a damn high writing skill; I just need to get my shit together and get more motivation to start writing more. Minimum of once a week.

What does this mean? Well, I’m most likely going to be blogging my weekly check-in sessions, because that will at least get me writing, right? I’ll be able to post progress on my ritual and on my article (though the JMC rituals will only be accessible to coven members). I’ll also be posting my weigh-ins (because that will be fun for me) and probably distances. At some point in the next year, I’d like to get back into running, but I don’t want to set that goal and not be able to achieve it.

Anyone who knows me will notice the lack of anything knitting related on this list. Knitting goals are meaningless for me, simply because I will always knit. There are a few projects to finish and get sent out, but they’ll get done and get sent out. I’m not afraid of that. I don’t have to push myself to do that.

What I’ve got, though, I can set my mind and energies to. Here’s to a good year.