…aaaaaand cue the Peggy Lee…

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What if this is all there is? What if this is as good as life gets? That depresses the glitter out of me (awww, sad glitter…), and that makes things spiral ever downward for me.

To Do List
1. Learn how to pull out of a tailspin.
2. Fly better.

I just finished reading the Rolling Stone article about Rachel Maddow. It’s a really great article that I think probably captures Maddow’s quiet off-camera personality and drive to better herself, cable television, and the world better than anything I’ve read about her. I always hold her up as “who I want to be when I grow up,” even though she’s three weeks younger than me and she was and is from a very different world than I was and am. We’re very different people, but I still want to be that kind of person. I don’t know how to do that.

3. Meet Rachel Maddow.
4. Stop giggling like a maniac crazy fanboy because you met Rachel Maddow.

Wil Wheaton is another person I’d like to be like as well. I’ve been a Wheaton fan since Stand By Me, and it really solidified during his run on Star Trek: The Next Generation. See, he’s only about nine months older than I am. I met him a few weeks ago at Origins, and I felt like such a giant loser dork talking to him. I told the folks with whom I was volunteering that I was petrified to be in the same space as him because I was going to go totally all Collin Creevy on him (“Arright, Wil? Habout a pic, Wil? Canigetya anything, Wil?”). Yeah. He’s got this super-kickass blog (and, really, is the reason I, like many others, started blogging), he’s got an awesome fanbase, he’s got killer people in his life, but mostly, he took himself by the angry, teenaged collar and wrestled himself into dealing with his own shit and forging a new name and career for himself.

5. Get past your bullshit.
6. Let shit go.
7. Recreate yourself.

I don’t want to be an admin assistant forever. Don’t get me wrong; I love what I do, I’m very good at what I do, and it will do — for now. The biggest pain in my ass about that is that I don’t know what I want to do or be when I grow up. And really, I’m nearly 40; aren’t I supposed to know who I am by now?

That article on Rachel Maddow, as I said, showed a good deal of her off-screen persona, and that persona also seems to have the same existential crises that I do. That makes me feel a little better, I suppose. Not enough, but a little. Time to figure out who I am, I think. Time to find my place.

8. Stop singing “Corner of the Sky” in your goddamned head.


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