Adrift

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It seems like I only get inspired to post when I’m moody. I don’t like that, to be honest. I’m not always moody. I can get that way, but I’m not always Eeyore.

I just feel so adrift from everyone and everything. Work doesn’t suck, but it’s a little… uncomfortable? Insecure? Marking time? I don’t even know how to describe it, but no, I don’t really want to go into it.

Leon’s always awesome. As much shit as I give him and as much shit as he puts up with from me (which are not necessarily the same thing), I know he’s always there and always strong for me.

I just don’t feel like I have any passion for anything lately. I said this to someone last week. She said that she doesn’t believe that, that I do have passion, I just need to figure out what it is and how to tap into it to make it work with and for me. I don’t know that she’ll ever read this, but I also don’t think she knows how much that meant to me. And I know fully well that she knows just how difficult that task is as well.

I’m almost 40 years old. I should have a direction, shouldn’t I? I should know by now what I want to do and be when I grow up, right? I mean, I’m evidently very good at being a priest, but I’m not Christian, so there’s not really any way for me to turn that into a career. I’m a decent writer, but I don’t know if I have enough to say to turn that into a career, either.

You know what I’d love to turn into a career? Ridiculously wealthy international playboy. How do I get that job?

In all seriousness, I still think I need to check into our insurance to see if I can’t get a therapist. I don’t know what kind of help someone of that line will be, but I can’t imagine it would hurt. There are just so many positive changes that need to be made in my life that it’s all a bit overwhelming, to be honest. So many things I can see that could change, so much trepidation, so little wherewithal to make the changes.

Maybe a run would help. Maybe I should give that a try. I’ve noticed that my head clears out and my mood improves, even with the pain I deal with when I run. That’s at least some small part of a positive change I can make in my life.


2 thoughts on “Adrift

  1. “There are just so many positive changes that need to be made in my life that it’s all a bit overwhelming”

    Stop looking at ALL the changes, and just do them one at a time. When the list is large, it’s easier to not do anything.

  2. “I’m evidently very good at being a priest, but I’m not Christian, so there’s not really any way for me to turn that into a career.” Have you considered checking out local UU churches? Officially, they’re non-creedal, and focused more on living the seven principals (things like, recognize that all beings have inherent dignity and worth, take care of the earth, etc.) and exploring universal tenets of many faiths (I’ve been speaking at a local UU church from time to time, since being here). Every congregation differs, and while some are very Christian, others are more Wiccan, more Buddhist, etc. Just a thought.

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