Adrift

Posted on

It seems like I only get inspired to post when I’m moody. I don’t like that, to be honest. I’m not always moody. I can get that way, but I’m not always Eeyore.

I just feel so adrift from everyone and everything. Work doesn’t suck, but it’s a little… uncomfortable? Insecure? Marking time? I don’t even know how to describe it, but no, I don’t really want to go into it.

Leon’s always awesome. As much shit as I give him and as much shit as he puts up with from me (which are not necessarily the same thing), I know he’s always there and always strong for me.

I just don’t feel like I have any passion for anything lately. I said this to someone last week. She said that she doesn’t believe that, that I do have passion, I just need to figure out what it is and how to tap into it to make it work with and for me. I don’t know that she’ll ever read this, but I also don’t think she knows how much that meant to me. And I know fully well that she knows just how difficult that task is as well.

I’m almost 40 years old. I should have a direction, shouldn’t I? I should know by now what I want to do and be when I grow up, right? I mean, I’m evidently very good at being a priest, but I’m not Christian, so there’s not really any way for me to turn that into a career. I’m a decent writer, but I don’t know if I have enough to say to turn that into a career, either.

You know what I’d love to turn into a career? Ridiculously wealthy international playboy. How do I get that job?

In all seriousness, I still think I need to check into our insurance to see if I can’t get a therapist. I don’t know what kind of help someone of that line will be, but I can’t imagine it would hurt. There are just so many positive changes that need to be made in my life that it’s all a bit overwhelming, to be honest. So many things I can see that could change, so much trepidation, so little wherewithal to make the changes.

Maybe a run would help. Maybe I should give that a try. I’ve noticed that my head clears out and my mood improves, even with the pain I deal with when I run. That’s at least some small part of a positive change I can make in my life.