Grazing and gazing

Posted on

I weighed myself this morning: 259.8.sugarkiss

It’s not the biggest I’ve ever been, but it’s not far off. I set a one-year goal for myself to get down to 225. I’ll still be heavier than I want to be, but 35 pounds is a good first goal in 12 months.

I need to start running again. That starts this week, thanks to the forecast not looking like Hoth.

My food choices need to change. I started eating salads — good salads, not just sad lettuce in a bowl — last week, and they’ve made a huge difference in my day, honestly. I’ve started looking forward to that Cobb salad from Cosi instead of the crap that I usually eat. There will be days when I get the pasta bowl from Piada, but I have other choices. I’m also probably going to start bringing my lunch to work more instead of buying stuff at restaurants. That Cobb salad is great, but I can make and bring two meals (salad and sandwiches) for the $10 cost of that salad. I got some Brain Bread from Beehive Bread Company this weekend; I’d forgotten how awesome that bread is. And it’s not far from work, so I can go up on my lunch break, get a loaf of it (and a pull-apart to eat) and still be back to work on time.

My biggest challenge is getting rid of Mountain Dew. I can do it, though. And maybe I can stave off the ‘Beetus for a little while longer.

Super tired of being fat. Super ready to fix it. Still not all that motivated.

sugarlips

My insecurities are coming back in a HUGE landslide. I hate it. Hate it like fire on my crotch (not that there’s anything wrong if that’s your thang; we all have our kinks). I’m good at my job (I’m not as consistent as I’d like, but that’s a different thing entirely). I have a great office environment and fantastic co-workers. I have a phenomenal husband and friends who are supportive. Someone suggested that I read up on impostor syndrome. I’m not sure about that, but it’s an interesting read. It feels like some sort of social anxiety, to be honest, and that confuses and infuriates me. I’m a strong extrovert, and shit like that just does not happen to extroverts. I should probably try to find a therapist at the very least.

My biggest problem with that, though, is that I’m petrified that I’ll end up on meds that will in some way fundamentally change me, who I am, and how I interact with the world. I don’t want that to happen. Meds would almost make me feel like I’m a failure, like I can’t handle myself and my world.

sugarlips

One of those aforementioned awesome co-workers and I have been talking about trying some exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise. So yesterday, we bought a Groupon for two private ballroom dance lessons and a group dance class. Anyone who pays any attention knows that I’m a huge Dancing with the Stars fan, so this makes me happy. And scared. SO SCARED. I’m going to do it no matter how much I suck at it, but it’s still scary as shit. We’ll see what happens.


“You post the lyrics on your blog…” ***

Posted on

*** I think very few people will get this reference, but I think Clay may pee his pants a little when he sees it. YOU’RE WELCOME. My shout-out — let me show it to you!

So, lately, I’ve been a tiny bit obsessed with the song Let It Go from Disney’s latest movie, Frozen. I have yet to see it, but this weekend, I will. I’m pretty sure it all started with seeing the sequence from the movie, and a couple of days later, seeing Court Clark singing a cover of it. And then I listened to it a zillion times. And then my iTunes BROKE, so I can’t even buy the soundtrack! DAMMIT!

So, yeah. This weekend will be a movie. And hopefully fixing my iTunes so I can sing in the car!

And now, the lyrics, after this here jumpy thingy!

Continue reading »


Still Second Class

Posted on

So, Leon and I have been together for 11 years. Comingled finances for about 10 1/2 years. Leases, loans, credit cards, everything. Thankfully, he’s always had jobs that offer domestic partner benefits.

Now, he’s unemployed and I have a job. I can get insurance through my employer. The insurance, while decent, is through two different providers, one for medical and one for dental and vision. I was filling out my applications for them today and got to the question about marital status.

Marital Status: Single // Married // Divorced

It’s always a tricky question. We’re not legally married in any state in the country (something that *will* change this year, dammit). If I have to get in on the fucking lawsuit against the state of Ohio to get my 14th amendment rights, I will. In, as my friend Zach says, a cocaine heartbeat.

Let me be perfectly clear about this: none of this is the fault of my employer or the insurance agent. It is completely the fault of the insurance providers. If I was married to a woman, this wouldn’t even be an issue. If I was a single parent, this wouldn’t be an issue.

For those of you who can’t seem to see that this is about creating a second-class distinction, you’re part of the problem. And that makes you one of the biggest fucking douchebags on the entire planet. Those of you who can’t seem to fight for anyone who’s not just like you, same pile of douchebaggery.

I’m so goddamned angry right now that I’m surprised that my hair isn’t on fire. There will be so much pixel death tonight. SO MUCH.


My Insecurity — Let Me Show It To You

Posted on

eeyore1

It’s never pretty when one does far too much navel-gazing. I never feel adequate enough. It bothers me a great deal.

I have an amazing husband. Most days, I don’t know why he bothers with me.

I have a great job and fantastic co-workers. It’s an entire office full of knit-worthy people. Seriously. Every single person in this office, I would knit something for. Every day, I feel like I frustrate them and let them down.

I’m very good at my chosen profession. I can not clue in to how to do this job well. And I don’t even know if I’m good enough to keep it. Six months in, I should have some confidence in what I do. Not so much.

I feel like a giant fraud in my faith most days. I know what works for me, but is it fair to try and teach others when I don’t know what works for them? I don’t know what to do anymore.

I haven’t been running in weeks, and I have a 15K this weekend and it’s going to take me 2.5 hours to finish it (it does have an awesome goodie bag, though, so that’s something). I’m somewhat alright with that, but damn, I want to do it faster. I can’t even seem to finish the goddamned Couch-to-5K program and I think I’m going to run a half-marathon in two years? High much?

I feel very, very adrift. Again. Still. And the shittiest part of all of this is that I know that it’s not me with the doubts. I mean, they’re my doubts, but right now, they just feel completely unmanageable. My seasonal affective disorder didn’t hit until January or February last winter, and it was super light for me. This year, it’s already hitting, and it’s hitting hard as fuck.

Two songs have been on repeat in my brain today: Mama’s Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert (“Go on and hide your crazy”) and If You’re Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins. And now it’s adding Morning Comes by Delta Rae.

I need more light in my world. I need more peace in my world. I need more me in my world. And gods above and below, I need it soon. I hate feeling like I’m losing my shit. I’m terrible at coping with the way the world moves around me, and it’s getting worse as I get older. A year on a remote plot of land with just learning how to be me again. That wouldn’t suck.


Clothing Retailers Are Dumb About Money

Posted on

Why do the fashion industry and clothing retailers know nothing about economics?

I ask this, because it’s blatantly obvious that, in addition to being size Nazis who care nothing about body shaming, every single clothing retailer that I’ve ever seen is missing a giant opportunity to make more money.

Have you ever been in a clothing store and seen Small, Medium, Large, and Extra-Large clothes sold for one price, and XXL and above sold for $2 or more extra? Yes, bigger clothes take more fabric, and yes, that fabric costs more money. However, it’s also demeaning, body-shaming, and embarrassing to plus-sized folks. How about, instead of punishing fat people for being fat, they make all of their prices higher to match the highest price. No, it’s not punishing anyone at that point; everyone pays the same amount. Also, there are more people who buy the smaller sizes, so the stores make more money.

How is this not a good idea? I think it’s brilliant.


Boop

Posted on

I’m currently listening to Tina Fey read her book Bossypants. It’s a fantastic book, and you should read it. Toby badgered (badgered, badgered) me until I listened to it, and it’s amazing. Thanks for poking at me, Toby.

At one point in the book, Fey is discussing the rules of improv. I smiled and nodded, remembering some incredibly good times. Later, she talks about having to ask Sylvester Stallone to enunciate. She and an experienced writer went to the host’s door, and neither of them had any idea what to do.

Enter my story.

Sometime in, I think, 2005 or 2006, I joined an improv group in San Jose called The Jesters of Yes! Clay was our Artistic Director and he was talking about what to do when ya just got nuthin’. He was on stage talking and said something along the lines of, “There are times when you get up there, look at your scene partner, and just go *boop* and wing it.”

So, Scott and I were the first people up there. We got our scene suggestion, we looked at each other (which is comical in and of itself; I’m 5’11″, Scott is 6’11″), and I just said, “*Boop!*”

Because sometimes, ya just got nuthin’. Clay started laughing, and said, “I didn’t mean actually say ‘boop’!” But really, it was as good of a code as anything else. Everyone in the Jesters knew, from that minute on, that “boop” was code for “You take it.”

No point to the story. Just some nostalgia in my head tonight.


TechnoCowboy’s Never-Ending Quest To Save My [Gender]friend!

Posted on

Huge bonus awesome points to anyone who gets the title reference.

I’m a member over at NerdFitness. It’s an AWESOME site that I don’t utilize nearly enough. They do six-week challenges, and the new one was just posted: What’s Your Main Quest? This is my Write-up for my challenge.

I’ve started and stopped Couch-to-5K four or five times in the last two-and-a-half years. I’ve done two 5Ks in there, but I want to be able to run them instead of a combo of running and walking. I have a 5K that I’m signed up for at work on October 5. My goal is to finish C25K in the eight weeks and be able to kick this thing in the taint. That’s 10 weeks. I know this challenge is only 6 weeks. I’ll be extending mine.

I’m running on a Legend of Zelda timeline. Nearly every LoZ game is eight dungeons and a final boss battle, with a crapload of mini-quests. My only mini quest is to also lose 25 pounds while doing this. I can totally do that. That’s 2.5 pounds per week, and that’s nothing, especially a) for a guy (yes, I know that’s sexist, but it’s also kinda true-ish) and b) for someone who hasn’t been actively exercising or changing the way he eats.

So, each week is a different dungeon and each run is the items in the dungeon. For the sake of all of this, and because it’s my (and nearly everyone else’s) favorite, I’ll be using the Ocarina of Time. As I do this, I’ll cross off the run on here. I’m only accountable to myself, but a little encouragement wouldn’t suck, either. :pride:

Week One: Great Deku Tree – Kokiri Emerald – Achieved!
Run 1: Compass and Map – finished 7/31/13
Run 2: Fairy Slingshot – finished 8/4/13
Run 3: Gohma defeated – finished 8/6

Week Two: Dodongo Cavern – Goron Ruby
Run 1: Compass and Map – finished 8/22
Run 2: Bomb Bag
Run 3: King Dodongo defeated

Week Three: Jabu-Jabu’s Belly – Zora Sapphire
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Boomerang
Run 3: Barinade defeated

Week Four: Side Items (not to scale)
Run 1: Hookshot and Epona
Run 2: Light Arrows, Fire Arrows, Ice Arrows
Run 3: Din’s Fire, Farore’s Wind, Nayru’s Love

Week Five: Forest Temple – Forest Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Fairy Bow
Run 3: Phantom Ganon defeated

Week Six: Fire Temple – Fire Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Megaton Hammer
Run 3: Volvagia defeated

Week Seven: Water Temple – Water Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Longshot
Run 3: Morpha defeated

Week Eight: Shadow Temple – Shadow Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Hover Boots
Run 3: Bongo Bongo defeated

Week Nine: Spirit Temple – Spirit Medallion
Run 1: Compass and Map
Run 2: Mirror Shield and Silver Gauntlets
Run 3: Twinrova defeated

Week Ten: Ganon’s Castle
Run 1: Shadow Barrier, Forest Barrier, Water Barrier
Run 2: Fire Barrier, Light Barrier, Spirit Barrier
Run 3: Ganon defeated

That’s a lot of gear. A LOT OF GEAR. I know I’ll only make it through the Fire Temple on this, but I’m challenging myself to make Ganon my bitch.


Marriage Equality, Part Two

Posted on

This is a reply I made to someone on Facebook.

Not everyone believes in the same God. Or Gods. There is a guideline of separation of Church and State in this country. Marriage equality has NOTHING to do with religion. Nobody’s religious views will be affected by it. Churches who don’t believe in it won’t be forced to perform same-sex marriages. My faith (and Mojie’s, for that matter) allow, affirm, and celebrate when people make a commitment to one another. So does my mother’s; she’s an ELCA Lutheran. So does my friend Zach’s. He’s an ordained United Church of Christ minister. By saying that “God” has said this, you take away the voice of their faiths.

If you believe that marriage is for the sole purpose of procreation, do you also support the dissolution and banning of marriages who have zero intention of having children? Or the ones entered into by women past the age of menopause or sterile men? Would you support legislation to require an opposite-sex couple who enter into marriage to have at least one child? If your answer is ‘no’ to any of those, that argument is invalid.

This is completely for the CIVIL equality. There are 1138 rights and responsibilities afforded to married couples by the federal government that are not an option for anyone who’s not in an opposite-sex marriage, including things like property inheritance, hospital visitation, and child custody. My father and stepmother were married in a civil ceremony by a Justice of the Peace. They’ve been married for 30 years. Is their marriage any less valid because they weren’t married in a church? Or because they don’t have children of their own?

How is anyone asking you to give up your rights? There are exactly zero ways that this would impact your rights or your life. You say that you “Do not and Will not stand and let someone try to shove there (sic) beliefs down my” throat. By fighting against what others believe, isn’t that what you’re doing? In this instance, nobody wants to take away any rights from you. At all. Ever. We want equal rights. You want special rights, rights that are not afforded to other people.

I’m sorry you had horrific experiences with some people growing up. I got beaten up by straight people while growing up. I don’t hate straight people, and I’m not trying to take away their rights, simply because I know that not all straight people are the same, just like not all gay people are the same.

All we want is to be treated like Americans instead of being treated like second-class citizens.


Marriage Equality

Posted on

So, to anyone out there who may possibly be interviewing anyone who is anti-marriage equality, or even those out there who are reading this who are anti-marriage equality (and, uh, why are you here? Fuck off; you’re a bigoted douchebag), I ask you this (or ask you to ask your interview people this): Why are you anti-marriage equality?

  • If you say “Because the Bible says so!”, you’re disqualified; not everyone believes in your Bible, and you’re cherry-picking parts of it. My faith allows and celebrates people to make commitments to one another.
  • If you say, “Because it’s not natural!”, you’re disqualified; neither are eyeglasses, pacemakers, gasoline, or oxygen tents.
  • If you say, “Because it could/will lead to beastiality (or something equally as stupid)!”, you’re disqualified; there have been exactly zero cases in the last ten years since Massachusetts passed its marriage equality laws where this has happened.

If you’re going to be a bigot, at least have the guts to say it’s because you’re a bigot. I’d have a truckload more respect for you than if you use one of the above. Granted, it’s about a Hot Wheels truckload, but any port in a storm, hey? Two people getting married will not affect your marriage in any way, shape, or form.

Yes, we know you’re still out there. Yes, we’re fully aware that you’re going to try to stop this. What you need to realize is that we don’t give to juicy shits about your little temper-tantrums. We will win this, and you will look like bigger idiots than you already do.

If you really want some credibility for any of your arguments, you’ll bring us facts, not emotional whining. Until then, kindly shut the hell up and get out of the way so the future can happen.


…and cue the Celine Dion…

Posted on

Aunt Frances Owens: My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage!

I need to remember that more often. I’m feeling decidedly… not a part of anything, and that saddens me. I’m feeling isolated, and I’m feeling lonely without feeling alone, and I’m getting neurotic about a lot of things. I’m trying my damnedest not to be and to be more positive, but I don’t know how well I’m doing. I need to change things about myself, both physically and emotionally, but I’m not sure how to do most of that work.

I feel like I let people down a lot, and I neither mean to nor want to. Something needs to change. Maybe it’s time to suck it up and find a therapist. It couldn’t hurt, right?